I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
