i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
