I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
