Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
