Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
