did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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