There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
