Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
