Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
