Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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