Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i will never coherently bang her
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
two words...techno handjob
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
