I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
