So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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