Umm I'm too high to move.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
