return my video game
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
