Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
