im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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