Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
