just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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