i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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