i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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