My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
