we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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