I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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