i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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