omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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