last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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