Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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