I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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