The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
