if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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