I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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