I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
