I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
