I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
