So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
