Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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