apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
