Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
