She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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