is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
