I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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