you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's shark week go big or go home
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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