btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
