i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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