i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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