How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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