first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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