1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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