Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
