remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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