just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
